Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Miracle Gerbil in Critical but Stable Condition.....

Beaufort, SC-Veterinarians at Beaufort's Hospital for Sick Animals held a press conference today announcing that local gerbil Screwball Jr. is in critical but stable condition following an eleven hour surgery to repair massive internal injuries suffered when the eight inch long rodent was inadvertently vacuumed by owner Randall Nachman.

"One minute he was there and the next he was just gone," the visibly shaken Nachman explained. "This is exactly the kind of thing they warned us about in gerbil class."

Heading up the team of surgeons, subspecialists and critical care veterinarians involved in Screwball Jr.'s care, which is estimated to have cost a quarter of a million dollars thus far, is small animal vascular surgeon Mort Fishman. "Frankly I don't how Screwball Jr. has come out of this alive. I mean, it was a mess in there. Whole organs were either missing or unable to be identified and most of his brain was left in the vacuum cleaner. He's going to live but just what kind of gerbil he's going to be in the future remains to be seen. He may never chew or dig again."

Undetered by the desert rat's grim prognosis, Nachman believes that there is a master plan at work. "It's a miracle that Screwball Jr. has survived, I just know it. I guess Screwball Jr. is meant to do something pretty special one day or else God would have let him die wedged in that rotating brush-roll."


ThePreemie Experiment said...

So let me see if I understand this correctly...

Screwball is saved so Mr. Nachman won't feel guilty that he accidentally killed his gerbil. Mr. Nachman then goes on to live a normal life without the guilt. Or so he thinks. Since Screwball can't chew, Mr. Nachman will now spend his life working around the times that Screwball will have to be tube fed. Oh and since 1/2 of his brain is still stuck up in the vacuum, he has probably lost the ability to relieve himself in another spot besides the one is laying in since he is most likely paralyzed. How much time will Mr. Nachman be spending bathing Screwball or cleaning up major messes?

Mr. Fishman gets to drive a nice car and live in a nice house, all thanks to the huge medical bill associated with the saving of Screwball (instead of simply offering comfort care). I'm sure he can justify it by saying that the vet hospital now has a nice new cancer wing or some more nice new equipment that can be used to save the next poor soul that God chooses to let live.

And what about poor Screwball? Hmmm, I wonder what he thinks about all of this? One can only hope that the portion of his brain that was left in the vacuum was the section that relayed the pain messages to the rest of his brain and back down to the rest of his body.

(Ok Zoo. Sorry. I couldn't resist. I'll step off of my soapbox now.)

Zoo Knudsen said...

I was thinking more along the lines that Screwball Jr. was saved so that he might one day lead all gerbils in a worldwide rebellion against mankind and assume the mantle of Screwball I, Lord High Rodent. But yours works too.