New Study Finds Children In Constant Danger.....

Tucson, AZ-A new study out of the Tucson campus of the University of Phoenix reveals that virtually all children, regardless of their age and location, are in constant and serious danger.

"We certainly don't like the conclusions we've drawn from the study," lead researcher Benjamin Rivera explained. "But the evidence is compelling that your children are almost certainly going to die at any moment from something, and probably not anything you would think of either but something you've never heard of and can do nothing to prevent."

Critics of the study, which consisted of interviews of a random sampling of Hollywood celebrities, hosts of nationally syndicated talk radio programs, politicians, members of the MotheringDotCommune discussion forums, and co-hosts of The View, are concerned that the announcements of the study's findings might be misleading. According to pediatrician and UCLA Medical Center faculty member Mort Fishman, "I'm afraid that parents who read these news releases will be distracted by nebulous claims of imminent danger facing all children everywhere, something the data clearly supports, and forget to focus on more specific issues such as being kidnapped by strangers, eating mouthful after mouthful of lead based Chinese-made toys, learning about evolution, and catching autism from vaccines."