Failing Galaxy Economy Causing Increase in Alien Adductions.....

Zignar 7, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy-As the number of planets feeling the effects of the ongoing economic downturn grow on a almost krebly basis, ruling Overlord of the Supreme Galactic Senate Zorg XIII has begun pressuring member civilizations to bring human adduction plans up to full speed earlier than the planned Smarch deadline.

"We have reached a point where the luxury of human medical research subjects, acid mine laborers, and game for recreational hunting has become a financial liability that we just can't afford," Commerce Droid BX-419 explained. "To feed, clothe, and sterilize a single human for just one flort cycle costs nearly two remlangs, which is significantly less than the total expenditure of transporting them all back where they came from."

The failing galactic economy has been traced to the financial policies of Overlord Zorg XII, known by his billions of subjects as both the Bringer of Eternal Peace and World Eater. "Geez, I invest the royal treasury in one Emu farm and these guys are calling for my borgle on a plate!"

McCain to Appoint Crazy Larry as Treasury Secretary.....

Johnstown, PA-During an appearance in Johnstown today, Republican presidential candidate John McCain announced that if elected next Tuesday he plans to appoint Crazy Larry, of Crazy Larry's Mattress Emporium in Poughkeepsie, as Treasury Secretary.

"Our nation's economy, despite strong fundamentals, is in the kind of trouble that will only respond to decisive and wacky action," McCain explained. "Crazy Larry, now this is a man, my friends, who is literally insane for low, low prices and he will bring that pathologically overwhelming need to save you money to Washington."

Crazy Larry, in addition to having a lengthy track record of setting prices so low that he should be committed, is a religious conservative that supports the war in Iraq and opposes federal funding of stem cell research.

National Chain Offers Delicious New Recipe For Banking Success.....

Seattle, WA- As the current economic crisis continues to claim large investment banks as victims, consumer relief is on the way in the form of the revamped chain of familiar mall-based eateries Cinnabon, which will combine deposit and loan oriented commercial banking with delicious baked goods.

"We are excited about the road this company is taking," Focus Brands Inc. CEO Steve Romaniello explained. "The average American is sick and tired of both the complexities of the current banking environment and the its lack of oversized cinnamon flavored pastries."

With hundreds of locations in malls, airports, theme parks, and military bases across the country, Romaniello believes that Cinnabanks will make an immediate impact on financial markets. "Our Cinnabon Classic cinnamon roll, combined with the convenient locations of our existing infrastructure and minimal banking fees, is just the kind of comfort food that our failing economy needs to bolster investment confidence and restore stability on Wall Street. Plus every new checking account comes with a free 9-pack of Minibons and a MochaLatta Chill."

Point/Counterpoint: Economic Armageddon.....

Point
It's Time to Pull Out Your Money Folks

By Willingsby Chesterfield III
Chief Financial Officer of Unlock Your Car, Inc
Laguna, CA
Despite what the many naive and confused optimists in the media, and on Capital Hill, want you to believe, the stock market is going down in flames and threatening to bring the entire American economy down with it. Yes sir, it is time to call it quits in my humble opinion.

Now you know I like to call 'em like I see 'em, and if you ask old Willingsby for his two cents, well you just might hear about the only straight talk going around these days. Old Willingsby says it is high time to abandon this sinking ship, you know the one with too many holes in the hull and nowhere near enough buckets to bail it out of complete and total economic destruction. It's bad out there folks, it's real bad. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome bad.

So what does this all mean for John. Q. Public? Well listen up if you want to avoid being reduced to huddling around a pig feces powered generator for warmth at night and battling for food and reproduction rights in gladiatorial to-the-death combat during the day. Head over to the nearest branch of your banking institution right this minute and get your hands on as much cash as you can. The time for worrying about 401Ks and 403Bs is past, and the time to hoard anything of monetary value is upon us. Find some land in the middle of nowhere, bury it all, and pray that you somehow survive the coming apocalypse.

Counterpoint
Looks Who's Laughing Now

By Chet Jenkins
Laughing Meadow Alpaca Farm
Stephenville, TX
For years people have scorned alpaca farming. They have called it a scam, a pipe dream for gullible folks looking to make easy money. Many so-called experts have likened alpaca farming to a multi-level marketing scheme or have blamed the alpaca for many of society's problems, ranging from the obesity epidemic to teen pregnancy. Well America, who is laughing now? Me, and the gentle alpaca.

As the economy continues crumbling before our eyes, people are going to realize that the loving and docile alpaca, a cousin of the llama prized for its luxurious fleece by a small cottage industry of artisans in some countries, is a sound investment for the future. For as little as $40,000, you can hitch a ride on the alpaca express, which is pulled by alpacas in a figurative sense secondary to a bone structure which does not allow them to serve any useful purpose in that regard, but you get what I mean. It's all about the alpacas, God bless 'em!

But with alpacas, it isn't just about huge profits. And by profits, I am taking into account the subjectively assigned monetary value of the love you will feel for these majestic creatures. More alpacas equals more love, and that is the kind of security that will keep you feeling secure despite what might or might not be imploding on Wall Street. So call me today at Laughing Meadow Alpaca Farm in Stephenville. If you act now, you can buy all of my alpacas.