Legislators Take Sides on Upcoming Conversion to Digital Television.....

Washington, D.C.-As the February 17, 2009 full-power broadcast television station conversion from analog to digital rapidly approaches, critics on both sides of the controversy are stepping up advertising campaigns in the hopes of better preparing the American public for either the prophesied thousand years of peace or an apacolyptic future where as much as 60% of television owners will suddenly be without access to their favorite programs.

"I just don't think that there are a lot of people out there right now taking this seriously," Democratic Senator Hort Perkins explained. "They are either too distracted by the failing economy or tonight's Latin Grammy Awards to realize what is at stake."

Not everyone in Congress is as concerned about the switchover as Senator Perkins, however, with some, like Republican Jenkins Chortworth, disagreeing with portions of proposed legislation geared towards encouraging American citizens to purchase add-on digital tuners. "I find it hard to believe that a few million people losing their television signal will result in widespread panic, riots, and the overthrow of the American government. That being said, while I disagree with government handouts for consumers unable to afford the new equipment, a few months of martial law would probably do the country good."

New Legislation Protects California Citizens from Same-Sex Marriage.....

Sacramento, CA-Thanks to the 5,769,939 citizens of California that voted for Proposition 8 on November 4th, the beleaguered heterosexual majority in "The Golden State" can now rest easy, their fear of persecution by the state's homosexual minority, or of their children being brainwashed into tolerance of homosexuals, put to rest.

"I think that this is a victory for all Americans," Sacramento Msgr. Mathew J. Kavandish, pastor of St. Piscapo Parish, explained. "This will forever serve as a source of hope for any large groups of people whose basic human rights have been denied by the desire of a much smaller group of people to share in those same rights."

Some Proposition 8 proponents, like Mormom Priest Marcelle Wittmire, are worried that supporters of same-sex marriage might think that a religiously motivated vendetta against homosexuals is involved. "I have nothing against the gays. It's just that I have yet to meet one that isn't a wicked and hellbound wretch bent on dragging down those around them into the Satan's dominion."

Failing Galaxy Economy Causing Increase in Alien Adductions.....

Zignar 7, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy-As the number of planets feeling the effects of the ongoing economic downturn grow on a almost krebly basis, ruling Overlord of the Supreme Galactic Senate Zorg XIII has begun pressuring member civilizations to bring human adduction plans up to full speed earlier than the planned Smarch deadline.

"We have reached a point where the luxury of human medical research subjects, acid mine laborers, and game for recreational hunting has become a financial liability that we just can't afford," Commerce Droid BX-419 explained. "To feed, clothe, and sterilize a single human for just one flort cycle costs nearly two remlangs, which is significantly less than the total expenditure of transporting them all back where they came from."

The failing galactic economy has been traced to the financial policies of Overlord Zorg XII, known by his billions of subjects as both the Bringer of Eternal Peace and World Eater. "Geez, I invest the royal treasury in one Emu farm and these guys are calling for my borgle on a plate!"

Nutrition Experts Warn Parents About Halloween Candy Dangers.....

Columbus, OH-Experts from the Columbus Naturopathy Center are warning parents of the dangers that may be waiting for their children on Halloween night, dangers like high-fructose corn syrup, refined carbohydrates, trans fat, and triglycerides just to name a few.

"We want parents to understand just what risks their children will be facing," Tab Smiley, head nutritioneer for the center, explained. "All of these common ingredients in Halloween candy are linked to such conditions as childhood obesity, coronary artery disease, diabetes, yeast overgrowth syndrome, and multiple chemical sensitivity."

Smiley recommends that parents go through their childrens' candy prior to consumption in order to prevent any dangerous nutritional imbalances. The Columbus Naturopathy Center is even offering to perform standard naturopathic laboratory testing, including saliva yeast testing, hair heavy metal assays, and live blood analysis, to look for any conditions which might put a child at increased risk. "We are also recommending a nationwide strategy where children exposed to these killer candies can be brought to their local naturopathic practitioner for acute toxin cleansing for the two days after Halloween. Unfortunately we expect that despite our best efforts the number of casualties will likely be in the millions if not more."

McCain to Appoint Crazy Larry as Treasury Secretary.....

Johnstown, PA-During an appearance in Johnstown today, Republican presidential candidate John McCain announced that if elected next Tuesday he plans to appoint Crazy Larry, of Crazy Larry's Mattress Emporium in Poughkeepsie, as Treasury Secretary.

"Our nation's economy, despite strong fundamentals, is in the kind of trouble that will only respond to decisive and wacky action," McCain explained. "Crazy Larry, now this is a man, my friends, who is literally insane for low, low prices and he will bring that pathologically overwhelming need to save you money to Washington."

Crazy Larry, in addition to having a lengthy track record of setting prices so low that he should be committed, is a religious conservative that supports the war in Iraq and opposes federal funding of stem cell research.

McCain Dismisses Poll Numbers, Insists Kids Get Off Lawn.....

Phoenix, AZ-Republican presidential candidate John McCain, lagging behind Democrat Barack Obama in the polls and looking to close the gap, argued Sunday that those pesky kids should stay off of his lawn.

"I'm sick and tired of those no good kids and their rock and roll music always walking across my lawn," the 72-year-old McCain explained from his front porch while whittling a duck head into the end of old pine walking cane. "And if I catch 'em here again I'm gonna sick my dog on 'em!"

McCain had declared earlier on Sunday during an interview on NBC's "Meet the Press" that he would not hesitate to keep any balls, gameboys, or walkmans that found their way onto his property.

Cosmeceutical Industry Running Out of Ingredients.....

Phoenix, AZ-Cosmeceutical researchers at the prestigious University of Phoenix announced today that if current trends of worsening global warming continue, the world may be depleted of novel ingredients for use in anti-aging creams, facial moisturizers, hair conditioners, nail rejuvinators, holistic bioprotectors and topically applied body cleansors by the year 2010.

"This is something that the entire cosmeceutical industry needs to be very concerned about," lead researcher Dr. Robert Bibble MD, ND, DAOM, RD, who is both a certified herbal psychologist and a certified naturopathic midwife, explained. "As it is we are pretty much down to just yak urine and pigeon droppings. It isn't ideal."

But while Dr. Bibble is calling for industry-wide regulations on the number of new ingredients allowed per product, some experts aren't buying into his doomsday scenario of a world where cosmetic products contain only active ingredients with legitimate evidence for their safety and efficacy. Clinical cosmetician and director of Body Essentials Day Spa in Sedona, AZ isn't concerned at all. "We are pioneering the field of nano-cosmeceuticals, which are are formulated with proprietary, state-of-the-art, nano-technologies such as dynamic intra-dermal nano-vehicles. Our nano-cosmeceuticals implement innovation in nano-formulation of previously exploited botanicals and natural active ingredients. We'll be able to milk this stuff for decades."

Make-A-Wish Foundation® Recipient Learns Valuable Lesson in Hydrostatics.....

Phoenix, AZ-Classmates of 7-year-old Phoenix native Timmy Waddleton, who suffered from a rare and untreatable allergy to oxygen, learned a valuable lesson in hydrostatics today when the Make-A-Wish Foundation® recipient drowned in a swimming pool filled with chocolate flavored Jell-O instant pudding.

"This is a wonderful example of the excitment that can come from using real world applications of scientific principles as part of the educational process for young students," Jim Hope, principal of New Frontiers Elementary School, explained. "It's a shame about Timmy though. He was a good kid if not a strong swimmer."

The Make-A-Wish Foundation®, which has been been granting wishes to children with life-threatening medical conditions since 1980, is no stranger to wish related fatalities according to Make-A-Wish National Board and Executive Committee chair Robert J. Bigler. "This one kid wanted a pet lion. It didn't go well but we came away from the experience with a deeper understanding of the predator-prey relationship so, you know, there's always a silver lining."

New Study Links Kids These Days to Economic Crisis.....

West Palm Beach, FL-During a press conference held today in the Rumba Room at the Century Village retirement community entertainment pavillion, researchers from Palm Beach Community College's Center for Geriatric Studies concluded that the current economic downturn is a result of kids these days.

"Damn kids these days with their walk mans and their video cassettes," 82-year-old crotchety physician and lead researcher Mort Fishman explained. "Maybe if they spent a little less time lollygagging and a little more time putting in a hard day's work we wouldn't be in this mess. And a haircut wouldn't hurt neither!"

The study, which will be published in the peer-reviewed Annals of Applied Cantankery this Tuesday, is already stirring up controversy amongst senior scientists like Everglades University Department of General Surliness chair Maynard Gribble. "I think this study, which is flawed in a number of ways, fails to take into consideration the reams of data pointing towards the popularity of all music made after 1944 as the source of today's financial difficulties."

National Chain Offers Delicious New Recipe For Banking Success.....

Seattle, WA- As the current economic crisis continues to claim large investment banks as victims, consumer relief is on the way in the form of the revamped chain of familiar mall-based eateries Cinnabon, which will combine deposit and loan oriented commercial banking with delicious baked goods.

"We are excited about the road this company is taking," Focus Brands Inc. CEO Steve Romaniello explained. "The average American is sick and tired of both the complexities of the current banking environment and the its lack of oversized cinnamon flavored pastries."

With hundreds of locations in malls, airports, theme parks, and military bases across the country, Romaniello believes that Cinnabanks will make an immediate impact on financial markets. "Our Cinnabon Classic cinnamon roll, combined with the convenient locations of our existing infrastructure and minimal banking fees, is just the kind of comfort food that our failing economy needs to bolster investment confidence and restore stability on Wall Street. Plus every new checking account comes with a free 9-pack of Minibons and a MochaLatta Chill."

Area Customer Service Representative Not Interested in Call.....

Alamogordo, NM-When waiter Art Thriftwhistle called the customer service line for the Alamogordo Daily Inquisitor last week to complain about not having received his copy of the Sunday paper, he expected that his phone call would be considered important. But what Thriftwhistle soon discovered would rock the sleepy New Mexico town to its core and may bring down the local media goliath.

"The customer service lady was totally not interested in my phone call," Thriftwhistle explained. "She put me on hold three times, and when she finally talked to me all she did was try to convince me to subscribe to the full week of papers, as if her only goal was to get more money out of me. I just want the Sunday paper. Don't you understand, I just want the Sunday paper!"

Thriftwhistle is calling for a boycott of the town paper until improvements in customer service are made. "I'd like to know that my call is important to them, is that so wrong? How about having a recording tell me that in a pleasant female voice while I'm on hold? But not just once either. I'd like to be reminded every twenty to thirty seconds. Also, I'd like to have the conversation recorded so that future customer service represenatives might benefit from it as a learning tool."

But company leadership doesn't appear to be concerned. "Frankly I just don't see what the fuss is all about," Daily Inquisitor owner Maynard Hearst explained. "So what if we don't think your call is important? I didn't get to be where I am, running a newspaper in a town of over thirty-five thousand people for nearly eight decades, worrying about customer service."

Hearst, who will turn 97-years-old this month, has lived through a number of minor skirmishes with the readership over the years. "Oooh, what are they going to do? The internet? Let's see them just try and get their news, sports and weather all from the internet. They won't last a week and neither will this internet, whatever that is. It's some kind of telegraph service right?"

Grizzly Bears Bounce Back From Near Extinction, Find Jobs.....

Kalispell, MO-Despite being listed as near extinction for over three decades, and widely considered to be unemployable by a large percentage of Americans, the grizzly bear has may be mounting a suprising comeback according to the results of a $4.8 million, five-year study by the U.S. Geological Survey.

"Our preliminary estimate shows approximately 765 bears in northwestern Montana alone," explained lead researcher Katherine Kendall. "There have been some huge investments of time and money towards this recovery, and legislation that restricts hunting and development into grizzly habitats have helped immensely, but a large amount of the credit belongs to the work done to help integrate them into society."

5 years ago, ursine social worker Jonel Thaller took on the arduous task of finding jobs and accomodations for hundreds of grizzly bears in Kalispell, which is the closest city to Glacier National Park. Years of strained human-bear relations, and a reputation of having anger management difficulties, have made it exceedingly difficult for these majestic beasts to find employment, especially in densely populated areas. But last year, after fast food giant McDonald's became the first of several eateries to relax their restrictions on hiring bears, things finally began to look up. "It's been a long and difficult road to get where we are today," Thaller revealed. "But finally people are beginning to see that the grizzly bear, if properly medicated and in the presence of armed professionals at all times, can make an positive impact on the service industry."

Thaller, who touches base with restaurant managers on a daily basis for updates on her clients, says that the bears have led to big improvements in food quality and customer satisfaction. "Complaints are down, wait times are noticeably shorter, and even former problem human employee are shaping up when grizzlies are allowed to do what they do best, which is interacting with people and food in enclosed spaces." But Thaller points out that their success might not last forever. "All it would take is for one bear to devour a family for this to fall apart."

Study Shows More Americans Getting Medical Information from Shampoo Commercials.....

Raleigh, NC-Researchers at North Carolina State University looking into where Americans obtain medical information, announced today that 80% of US adults cite shampoo commercials as their primary source.

The findings, based on telephone surveys of over thirty thousand men and women over the age of eighteen, are sending shockwaves through the medical community. "The dramatic rise in the number of adults turning to shampoo commercials to update themselves on chronic medical conditions, disease prevention strategies, and even information on when to seek acute care, is alarming," explained lead investigator Dr. Mort Fishman. "I'd love to be able to learn how to have shiny, lustrous hair, and how to manage Type 2 Diabetes in one convenient place as much as the next physician, but I don't trust patient care to Pert Plus or Garnier Fructis."

The shampoo industry, who had received word of the report prior to the official announcement, isn't rolling over. A. G. Lafley, CEO of Procter and Gamble, has already issued a press release attempting to counter some of the statements made by the NCSU researchers regarding the legitimacy of health information acquired from shampoo commercials. "You know, it seems like our information was good enough when Pantene practically wrote the book on the cardiovascular sequelae of atherosclerotic renal disease, or when Clairol Herbal Essences discovered the link between the BRCA1 gene and breast cancer. This is just a bitter bald guy trying to make a name for himself with flimsy evidence and poor reasoning."

Zoo's News: Makers of Popular Energy Drink Turn to Infant Formula.....

Fuschl am See, Austria-Not satisfied with the inability of regular infant formulas to vitalize the body and mind, Red Bull GmbH, the eponymous producer of an energy drink that is popular with college students and young males around the world has set its sights on infants under a year of age.

"We're going to revolutionize the infant formula market with our new Baby Red Bull Extreme," company founder Dietrich Mateschitz explained. "Parents are sick and tired of infant formulas that don't provide vital substances that have been lost by their babies during times of increased mental and physical exertion, while also reducing harmful substances. With Baby Red Bull Extreme energy formula, which comes in both powder and ready to feed varieties, you get both!"

But helping young humans to maximize their concentration and reaction speed is only one aspect of Mateschitz's plan. "My goal is for all babies around the world to benefit from our scientific advancements in energy formulas. Every single one. Only then will humanity reach its true potential as shepherds of our Mother Earth!"

According to the Baby Red Bull Extreme website, their formulation has been scientifically designed to be as similar to human breast milk as possible, with a few additions that Mateschitz claims add up to more than the sum of their parts. "Sure breast is best, if it's all that is available. Like if you are in some kind of depressing third world country or something like that. But only Baby Red Bull Extreme provides these growing children with the taurine, glucuronolactone, caffeine, acesulfame K and aspartame that their bodies need on a daily basis."

Infant nutrition experts have expressed concern regarding the addition of infant energy formulas, like Baby Red Bull Extreme, to a child's diet. Farahilde Obermoser, a pediatric clinical nutritionist at Rot Stier General Hospital in Vienna believes that a diet consisting of a significnat amount of Baby Red Bull Extreme infant energy formula might not be the right choice for some families. "Sure we would all like for our babies to achieve their full genetic potential, and they definitely would on this formula, but not all parents love their children enough to make sure that happens. And not every parent is cool enough."

Zoo's News: Vice Presidential Nominee Pledges to Protect Environment and the Country.....

In a nationally televised press conference held this morning, governor of Alaska and John McCain's vice presidential pick Sarah Palin announced that she would make protecting populations of endangered species, and homeland security, a top priority if elected.

"I may be just a simple small town hockey mom, but I love the environment and I love America!" Palin declared while addressing the crowd of nearly thirty thousand supporters. "And I promise you that I will put the full weight of the White House behind saving our precious ecosystems and protecting the American people!"

Palin plans to propose an amendment to the United States Constitution that would make it legal for hunters to employ aerial-hunting tactics to thin the number of predators in regions with endangered species such as moose and caribou. It will also include the use of tactical nuclear weapons to protect Alaskan towns from roving gangs of bloodthirsty polar bears.

Zoo's News: Study Finds 3 out of 4 Colons Haunted.....

Columbus, OH-A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many are unaware of their ghostly stowaway.

"We decided to finally approach the question of haunted large intestines scientifically because of the piles of anecdotal evidence we've accumulated over the years," explained Bruce Sagemiller, Project Leader of the Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group and expert in electronic voice phenomena (EVP)."We were suprised to find out how widespread this problem actually is, and our results have raised a lot of interesting questions."

A certified Clinical Borborygmologist, Sagemiller started by designing an airtight, skeptic proof study. "The results of so many studies are ignored because of closed-minded attacks on the methodology and I didn't want to suffer the same fate." After using the standard paranormal investigation randomization technique of throwing darts at a phone book while blindfolded to identify the study population, Dr. Sagemiller made use of two seperate but equally valid techniques to diagnose the presence of any phantoms or specters within the colon: cyber-dowsing and EVP.

Team psychic and cyber-dowser Amanda Sentelle started by running her hand-bent wire dowsing rod back and forth over a computer monitor while each participant's Facebook or MySpace profile was visible on the screen. She was then able to interpret the subtle movements of the wire, weeding out subjects with clear colons. The second stage involved recording sounds eminating from the remaining subjects abdomens and analyzing them for the presence of ghostly messages from beyond the ileocecal valve. After this confirmation, statistical analyses led to the study conclusion that three out of four Americans have a haunted colon.

Sagemiller is now attempting to make sense of the findings. "We don't know why these spirits have chosen to dwell in our large intestines. We just don't know what, if anything, they want from us. We do suspect that their presence may play a role in a host of medical ailments, such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, and painful gas." A follow-up study looking at the potential benefit of exorcism in the treatment of these conditions is already underway.

Point/Counterpoint: The Failing American Economy.....

Point
The Economy is Doing Just Fine Folks

By Willingsby Chesterfield III
Chief Financial Officer of Unlock Your Car, Inc
Laguna, CA
Despite what many doom-and-gloom naysayers in the media want you to believe, the economy is doing pretty good considering the events that have taken place over the past year. In fact, it's weathered the failure of the subprime market and weakening American dollar with grace and aplomb. Yes sir, the economy is doing just fine folks.

I like to think of the economy as a fine, full-figured gal with legs that go all the way up and more sass than you can shake a stick at. Sure she may be a little shy at first, but with just a little bit of sweet talk, maybe a glass of wine and a ride in my Dodge Stratus, she'll take good care of you. Don't give up on the girl, am I right?

I know what you're thinking sport. You've got a shovel in one hand and your nest egg in the other, ready to squirrel your hard earned cashola away somewhere safe. But it isn't safe, not in the ground. You've got to spend to save is what my pop used to say. So the next time some Joe Palooka starts telling you how bad the economy is, remember what old Willingsby told ya.

Counterpoint
It's Getting Harder to Sell My Babies on eBay

By Wanda Hebert

Unemployed Beautician

Lake Charles, LA
I can remember the days when a woman could make a respectable living selling their babies on eBay. Now you can't barely get enough to keep the electric on and the water running. Times has changed.

Some people try to tell me that it's because people don't need no babies off of eBay anymore cause of this in the vitro fertilizing that they can do. I reckon if people were having ten, twenty babies at a time they wouldn't need to go buying no babies off of eBay. But I don't see people walking around with that many kids at the Walmart or at the Arby's.

No, I think that people just don't have the kind of money to spare in this economy. When you can't afford to buy smokes, how could you affort no babies off of eBay. Unless I lower my prices again and I promised my dogs I wouldn't do that again.

Zoo's News: Tests Prove Chinese Gymnasts Not Underage.....

Beijing-Although the gymnastics portion of the Beijing Summer Olympics have been completed, controversy over the age of the Chinese gymnasts rages on. But results from scientific testing, completed today by the International Olympic Committee (IOC), confirm the Chinese government's claims that the athletes are over the age of 16.

"We've put the girls through some pretty rigorous testing and they all fit the Olympic age requirements for gymnastics," IOC assistant to the travelling secretary Odin Needlemeyer explained. "In fact, many of their motorized parts date back to the 1980's, with uneven bar gold medal winner He Kexin containing several gears, and an internal gyrostabilizer, that were invented twenty years before that."

Though this mystery is now solved, the number of investigations being demanded by participating countries continue to rise according to IOC President Count Jacques Rogge. "Thankfully the question of underage Chinese gymnasts has been settled. Next up, we are going to look into Micronesian allegations that Michael Phelps is a hybrid fishman sent from the future to prevent some kind of catastrophe, possibly involving killer whales."

Zoo's News: Early Admission Programs Turning to Reality Televsion.....

Cambridge, MA-A new survey of American colleges and universities by the U.S. Department of Education reveals that a growing number are incorporating lessons learned from the world of reality television into their admission policies.

"We need to know that early admission applicants are motivated and capable of handling the responsibility that comes with acceptance to our university," Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust explained. "And the best way that we can think of to find out is by pitting prospective students against each other in a series of contests like who can eat the most wild boar testicles and who can catch the most diseases over a one month period."

The University of Delaware also utilizes such competitions to weed out unworthy applicants for early admission. But in order to better identify those most likely to excel, a final elimination process is employed where students are forced to live together in a small Dover loft for several weeks. At the end of each week, students vote on who should be kicked out of the loft, but at any point in the process a randomly chosen participants may be shot.

Zoo's News: Scientists Hope to See Boobies by the End of the Year.....

Berkeley, CA-Scientists at the University of California-Berkeley announced today that they are one step closer to developing materials capable of rendering three-dimensional objects, including humans, completely invisible.

"This reperesents a huge advance in our understanding of the physics of light and its interaction with certain artificially engineered metamaterials in a variety of steam filled locations where women are known to congregate," lead researcher Gervin McElroy explained. "In fact, we're planning to run human trials with the technology just as soon as we make Bobby Gable pay for kicking us out of the Greek council."

The research was funded in part by the United States Army and the Mu Zeta chapter of Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity.