Point/Counterpoint: Economic Armageddon.....

Point
It's Time to Pull Out Your Money Folks

By Willingsby Chesterfield III
Chief Financial Officer of Unlock Your Car, Inc
Laguna, CA
Despite what the many naive and confused optimists in the media, and on Capital Hill, want you to believe, the stock market is going down in flames and threatening to bring the entire American economy down with it. Yes sir, it is time to call it quits in my humble opinion.

Now you know I like to call 'em like I see 'em, and if you ask old Willingsby for his two cents, well you just might hear about the only straight talk going around these days. Old Willingsby says it is high time to abandon this sinking ship, you know the one with too many holes in the hull and nowhere near enough buckets to bail it out of complete and total economic destruction. It's bad out there folks, it's real bad. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome bad.

So what does this all mean for John. Q. Public? Well listen up if you want to avoid being reduced to huddling around a pig feces powered generator for warmth at night and battling for food and reproduction rights in gladiatorial to-the-death combat during the day. Head over to the nearest branch of your banking institution right this minute and get your hands on as much cash as you can. The time for worrying about 401Ks and 403Bs is past, and the time to hoard anything of monetary value is upon us. Find some land in the middle of nowhere, bury it all, and pray that you somehow survive the coming apocalypse.

Counterpoint
Looks Who's Laughing Now

By Chet Jenkins
Laughing Meadow Alpaca Farm
Stephenville, TX
For years people have scorned alpaca farming. They have called it a scam, a pipe dream for gullible folks looking to make easy money. Many so-called experts have likened alpaca farming to a multi-level marketing scheme or have blamed the alpaca for many of society's problems, ranging from the obesity epidemic to teen pregnancy. Well America, who is laughing now? Me, and the gentle alpaca.

As the economy continues crumbling before our eyes, people are going to realize that the loving and docile alpaca, a cousin of the llama prized for its luxurious fleece by a small cottage industry of artisans in some countries, is a sound investment for the future. For as little as $40,000, you can hitch a ride on the alpaca express, which is pulled by alpacas in a figurative sense secondary to a bone structure which does not allow them to serve any useful purpose in that regard, but you get what I mean. It's all about the alpacas, God bless 'em!

But with alpacas, it isn't just about huge profits. And by profits, I am taking into account the subjectively assigned monetary value of the love you will feel for these majestic creatures. More alpacas equals more love, and that is the kind of security that will keep you feeling secure despite what might or might not be imploding on Wall Street. So call me today at Laughing Meadow Alpaca Farm in Stephenville. If you act now, you can buy all of my alpacas.

Point/Counterpoint: The Failing American Economy.....

Point
The Economy is Doing Just Fine Folks

By Willingsby Chesterfield III
Chief Financial Officer of Unlock Your Car, Inc
Laguna, CA
Despite what many doom-and-gloom naysayers in the media want you to believe, the economy is doing pretty good considering the events that have taken place over the past year. In fact, it's weathered the failure of the subprime market and weakening American dollar with grace and aplomb. Yes sir, the economy is doing just fine folks.

I like to think of the economy as a fine, full-figured gal with legs that go all the way up and more sass than you can shake a stick at. Sure she may be a little shy at first, but with just a little bit of sweet talk, maybe a glass of wine and a ride in my Dodge Stratus, she'll take good care of you. Don't give up on the girl, am I right?

I know what you're thinking sport. You've got a shovel in one hand and your nest egg in the other, ready to squirrel your hard earned cashola away somewhere safe. But it isn't safe, not in the ground. You've got to spend to save is what my pop used to say. So the next time some Joe Palooka starts telling you how bad the economy is, remember what old Willingsby told ya.

Counterpoint
It's Getting Harder to Sell My Babies on eBay

By Wanda Hebert

Unemployed Beautician

Lake Charles, LA
I can remember the days when a woman could make a respectable living selling their babies on eBay. Now you can't barely get enough to keep the electric on and the water running. Times has changed.

Some people try to tell me that it's because people don't need no babies off of eBay anymore cause of this in the vitro fertilizing that they can do. I reckon if people were having ten, twenty babies at a time they wouldn't need to go buying no babies off of eBay. But I don't see people walking around with that many kids at the Walmart or at the Arby's.

No, I think that people just don't have the kind of money to spare in this economy. When you can't afford to buy smokes, how could you affort no babies off of eBay. Unless I lower my prices again and I promised my dogs I wouldn't do that again.